Where is Love?

I wrote this on July 8th, 2007 & for whatever reason I've been thinking about this piece a lot... this doesnt happen often... I never really re-read or overanalyze what I write! -Que me pasa?- am I feeling guilty for leading LOVE to suicide?! {ha!} -Enjoy-

I failed him miserably!

It all began that late afternoon... we dined indoors and I scolded him for spilling water on the kitchen floor. He gave me a sad smile and apologized... he leaned on the refrigerator as I slowly mopped the floor and made a comment about the stain it will leave on the floor.

He turned towards the window... "Can people fly?" he asked still looking towards the window.

"What kind of shit is that, you know better." my harsh reply echoing in the kitchen.

I walked by him and without looking at him told him to get ready for the afternoon stroll.

He took his time changing, and after I yelled at him three times he appeared smiling by my side... "Do you think its funny to make me wait? don't you know how busy I am? You should feel lucky that I take time to walk with you. lucky I tell you!" were a few of the things I said to him in the elevator...

"Can the soul be happy even when the body is sad? Does the spirit dance with joy even when the heartbeats are having trouble keeping up?"

I gave him a stern look and pulled him closer... "Cut the crap now"

At the park he ran after the squirrels, fed the pigeons, played strange dogs & talked to every possible stranger... I yelled, I scolded, I warned and even threatened. But his smile ...his permanent smile challenged everything that I said.

"Look at me" he yelled from behind... I turned to find him upside down on the monkey bars... "get down, you'll hurt yourself and stop interrupting my reading" & I went back to my book... Ironically, I was reading "The Notebook"...

he hesitated...but came down... he took off running after a black Lab & I took off after him.

I grabbed his arms and yelled that it was time to go home...

I prepared his bath and carefully measured the amount of bubble bath gel to be used... I folded the green towel and placed it on the table, I lined his robe, his sleepers and his underwear next to the toothbrush and the paste, I left a note with instructions on how many times to rinse & how many minutes to spend in the tub...and that milk and 3 oatmeal cookies were waiting for him at 7:30pm * * * -Don’t be late, I wrote in red ink-

it was 7:33pm- I marched up the stairs ready to scold him once again... I opened the door to his room and found it empty...'cept for a note on a green paper taped to his mirror... i grabbed the note... I screamed "NOoooooo!!!!" as I ran to the bathroom but I was too late...

time froze forever - what I've done?! ... His lifeless body floated in the tub; his laughter still echoing in the bathroom; his bright eyes followed me every where and the sound of my voice repeated the note that I've just read...

The days that followed were long and lonely & the only voice I now hear is my own ... my own voice reciting the same verse over and over...

Love is Patient, love is Kind.
It does Not Envy, it does Not Boast, it is Not Proud.
It is Not Rude, It is Not Self-Seeking,
it is Not Easily Angered, it Keeps No Record of Wrongs.
Love does Not Delight in Evil, but Rejoices in the Truth.
It Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Perseveres.

Dreams...

This was an awesome experience; something I never thought could happen to me. It is so vivid in my mind that I can tell it like it is happening right now... I am getting excited - all these images in my head, all these groans, the moans, and the smell of sex in my skin...

I was in my room getting ready for work when my phone rang.

"Don’t go to work. I'll be there at 9:00; leave the door unlocked and wait for me in bed completely naked. Make sure the room is chilly, and the music is soft. You can play with yourself, but if you cum; I am going to punish you. My cock is...”

"What?"

"shhh... my cock is hard, and I am thinking of your sweet pussy as I drive to your place."

"Are you insane?"

"I am horny; and you are going to do as I said."

With this last statement and without waiting for an answer, he hung up. I hesitated, but I knew I had to do this, so I called in sick. I looked at clock on my night table and panicked when I realized that I had less than 15 minutes...

I changed my bed sheets to the red silk ones I like; I took the hair clips off, and unlocked my front door... I walked back to my room asking myself if I was insane... wanting his cock so much damaged some brain cells for sure, why was I doing this? I started to take my clothes off slowly in front of the full length mirror... I immediately remembered the AC... Darn, I have to turn it on. I walked back to the mirror topless and barefoot, nipples hard and goose bumps all over my body... I smiled at the half naked girl in the mirror...this is why you are doing this... its exciting, its spontaneous, its not you! I took off my pants and stood there in my black thong; not bad! I moved the mirror next to the bed took my thong off and sat on the edge of the bed with my legs spread apart. Will he like this pussy? Will he enjoy licking my pussy lips and nibbling on my clit? Will he finger me while sucking on my clit? I can see moisture, yes, I am getting so turned on. He'll be here soon, I can't wait!

I moved back to the center of the bed, legs still spread apart, I supported myself on my elbow and began slowly massaging my clit... I am just getting ready for him... I closed my eyes, I imagined myself in a tropical beach, cool breeze caressing my face, nipples hard and ready to be sucked on... my finger moved faster, my eyes shut tight, my lips parted to let soft moans out, my back arched, I can feel my pussy getting tighter, wetter, and finally my body convulsing into quick and short orgasms. I opened my eyes to find him standing at the door, arms crossed at his chest, naughty smile on his lips... I began to speak but he put a finger to his lips and shhed me, walking slowly to the bed, moving his head side to side and saying... tsk, tsk, tsk.

"I guess you like to be punished."

"I was just..."

"shh, you have no permission to speak." He reached for my pussy and shoved a finger in it, I flinched in a mixture of surprise and pleasure. "Wait"

He grabbed my chin and told me to shut up while with the other hand still pushing his finger in and out of my pussy fast and roughly... "Wait, it’s too sensitive."

"Did I tell you to finger fuck yourself?" I just looked at him, my God, he is so gorgeous, those lips, those eyes. I moved my face closer to him to kiss him, and he moved away, took his finger out of my throbbing pussy, and put them up to my mouth. We were both licking my pussy juices off his finger at the same time. As suddenly as he started, he stopped!

He got up and took his clothes off slowly, never moving his eyes from mine. I could see his cock all full and erect and moved myself to the center of the bed.

In a matter of seconds he handcuffed both my hands and tied my feet to the bedposts... leaving me naked, legs spread apart and feeling vulnerable. The room is cold, the sheets feel so cold on my naked skin, but the burning fire out of my pussy was enough to keep me from whimpering.

He stood at the end of the bed; he began to masturbate in front of me, still looking into my eyes... this is so hot, I thought, so fucking hot. He said my name many times...whispering it, his hands moving faster, his groans growing louder... and then shoots his load on me...all over my pussy, my stomach and tits...

It was only a dream! & it stills hunts me!

Sleepless Dreamer

Life robbed me of my fear to die & my fear to die robbed me of my joy to live...

So here I am... in limbo, in a self induced reversed-coma, with a heart beat, a curious & inquisitive mind & a basket of shattered & incomplete dreams...

Bloodshot eyes, stringy hair, clammy skin & even an unsteady heartbeat... holding a huge mug of coffee while the Red Bull gets cold in the fridge...

My addiction to caffeine & being awake is being fed 24/7...

thoughts are running wild in my head...they want to know which one will be let out first... who cares?! there is no escape... just a temporary fix of the choice of caffeine at the moment...coffee, red bull, coffee, red bull... 4 hours of light sleep... hurry, wake up! Life is ending...Death is starting...wake the fuck up!

I opened my eyes just in time to see a dark light flickering in a near distance... far away close to me... feeding my starving fear...& slowly stripping me of a dying life... oxymoron is my life; contradiction is my death!

Death robbed me of the joy of living... the joy of living robbed me of my fear of dying...

Sleep is 4 hours & 2 minutes away from death...

Sleepless dreamer wakes up to sleep again!

My affair with Water

Water and I have been having an on & off affair for a few years now. There are times I love him, there are times I am in love with him, other times I just like him and many others I just plain hate him. Our relationship is like no other and I always go back to him...no matter what!!

I love the way Water touches my lips, I love the way he feels in my mouth as I swallow gulps at a time, sometimes he is cold, most of the time he is warm...but he is never too hot!


Water knows how to caress my body; he knows exactly how I like it. I love the pressure on certain parts of my body and he knows that... he does exactly what I want. He makes my body good! I close my eyes and let him run free, I lay back and let him soak me in, I open up to him... I become his slave and he is my master... & it is refreshing to surrender in my most humble ways... when I'm hot he cools me down, when I'm cold he knows how to warm me up...he knows every inch of my body...in & out!

I miss Water, my body misses him, and so does my skin!


So, starting today, I will be drinking more water... I already bought a 20oz bottle and drank almost half of it!

@doctor Coletta's office ...summer 1999

sugar is too high, he sent me to the hospital... bummer!

Love is a Sharing

Love is a sharing

and a caring,

Born of truth

Love is not using

Or being used

Love is not abusing

or being abused

Love is not even

Giving or taking

For that leads to

counting and accountings

of "look what I did for you?"

So, verily, merrily, I say unto you,

That love is a sharing

A caring

Born of truth.

For those are the roots

From which all us children flow.

Punto.

Dame tu hora perdida

De tu existencia múltiple dame la hora perdida,

cuando vacío de todo, no sientas ni la vida.

Cuando te encuentres solo, tan lejos de ti mismo

que te pese la mera conciencia del mutismo.

Cuando estés tan distante del farsante murmullo

que deshagas la fórmula de tu arrogante orgullo.

Entonces, ya vacío de todo, con tu nada

acércate a mi senda y espera mi llegada.

Yo te daré la nota más cierta de mi vida.

Tú me darás la nada de tu hora perdida.

Yo te daré inquietudes, sentidas emociones

que turben tu vacío y broten en canciones.

Tú me darás la nada de la inmortal mentira

de eternizar las cosas en su inmortal mentira.

Yo te daré verdades de todo lo tangible

para pesar la nada de tu vida insensible.

Y así, tú te darás en mí como si fuera

mi vida un aletazo de la ida primavera.

Que nunca ha sido, y siempre se extiende en nuestras almas

como verdad de nada, igual que las no almas.

Y yo me daré en ti como futuro incierto

de tiempos que no han sido, y canción que no ha muerto.

Y alzaremos en ritmo vibrante y alocado

la sublime mentira de habernos encontrado.

Yo, en la nada insensible de tu hora perdida,

y tú, en la también nada de mi frívola vida.

I carry your heart

I want to restart this blog with one of my favorite poems...

By E.E. Cummings*

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; 
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Can't stay away...

I love to visit places that I find interesting, intriguing &/or challenging... 2 years ago I visited the Brooklyn Bridge every Sunday at noon until I got the courage to crossed it by foot. A few summers ago I visited South Street Seaport three times a week until the familiar faces of the patrons at Sequoia bored me... same thing with clubs, lounges, & even park.

I haven't found many places that I love unconditionally... but there are a few that I fall in love with all over again. I am finding myself in the same predicament when it comes to writing... I'm loving more when things do not seem to go my way {which sometimes is the only way I see}!!! I remember the days when writing came naturally...I didn't have to think about a topic, about an experience or even about writing -period! All I needed was a pen, my black composition notebook & a quiet corner in my parents living room - I want that feeling again! I want hours of short stories, novels, essays & poems - I want to fall in love again with writing... the writing that doesn't involve drama with the X, headaches with the kids, meaningless sex with "him" or stress caused by work, school & boys!

So here I am again... searching for that lost love... the love of my life - writing!